The terrific Leslie O’Flahavan, owner of E-WRITE, and I recently held our first LinkedIn Live broadcast of Fix This Writing! Two Experts Show How to Make Bad Writing Better. Watch the recording and view the writing we discussed below.
The idea behind our broadcast is to take an example of not-very-good writing, explain why it’s not good, and show you how to fix it. We also talk about why the writer wrote it in that not-very-good way. (We’re both writing teachers, so we’ve studied why people write they way they do!) We invite our attendees to ask questions, as well as to offer their insights.
For the first broadcast, we examined the following customer support email that failed.
Our discussion began by recognizing that Jed, the writer, is probably working within a company that doesn’t support his writing skills much–or customer service in general. But we moved quickly into our primary purpose: to help Jed write a better message.
While acknowledging there are many aspects of the original email that could be fixed, I focused on what I believe are the two most important ones.
Fix #1: Make your tone helpful and friendly.
What comes first establishes the tone. I personally don’t want to be thanked when asking for help. For me, that created a negative tone in the original email. But Leslie and others more knowledgable about customer support noted this is the standard opening so I acquiesced.
I did insist that the most important fix I needed at the outset was reassurance that I would get help. In the revised email, I added “we want to help” to create a more helpful and friendly tone in the first sentence. You’ll see that I also used the contraction “we’re.” That’s another way to establish a friendly tone. Of course, casual tone of voice might not work in every organization. That’s depends on the organization’s brand voice.
Fix #2: Structure information in reader-friendly ways.
This fix is so important I might have listed it as #1! Jed’s original email included most of the information a reader needs. But it’s arranged more from his perspective than the reader’s. What the reader needs are instructions that are actionable. Here are some of the ways I altered the structure to be more reader-friendly.
Arrange information in the order that the reader needs it when acting on it. The information I labeled “OPTIONAL STEP” is frustrating (or perhaps useless) if the reader gets it after they’ve acted on the instructions. In the revised email, I moved that prerequisite information before the primary instructions.
Make action steps short and number them in a list. I revised Jed’s long sentence with three independent clauses into three, consecutively numbered action steps within a list.
Differentiate action steps from other information. In the revised email, I used capital letters as a visual cue to all steps. I also used white space to group steps that go together.
Other fixes…
You’ll notice other fixes in the revised email. For example, the arrow shows I want to include a photo to show the reader where to find the SD card. In instructions, visual support can be critical for readers.
You’ll also see I fixed the grammar of phrasing such as “does the dash cam cannot turn on” and “…the cam stop working issue.” While it was one of the first things I noticed when reading Jed’s email, I believe the majority of customers asking for help care most about (1) getting that help, especially from someone who is friendly, and (2) understanding the help in a way that allows them to act. Whether the writer can create prose in the reader’s preferred language or style is, at best, a tertiary concern.
As a writing teacher, I’ve found that structure–arranging information–is the easiest thing to learn about pro writing. What do you think?
If you want to become a better writer (or help someone else become one), we hope you’ll join us for the next Fix This Writing! broadcast on July 18!
If you’re writing to readers from Western cultures, don’t make them wait! Western attention spans are short. We value efficiency–most of the time.
But I need to explain when efficiency is (and isn’t) paramount to offer helpful guidance. Here’s my point in this post: Delay only if your point meets all the following criteria for sensitivity:
Your primary message communicates negative news (e.g., the program announcement and rejection but not the meeting announcement found below).
That message focuses negativity primarily on the reader (e.g., the program announcement and rejection but not the apology below).
That message conveys negative news that is both personal to the reader and rare (e.g., the rejection but not like the program announcement below).
Sensitivity is the key to effective placement of your point, which I like to call the bottom line. But we need to think about sensitivity in a little detail. Keep reading for that explanation and some simple examples. If you’re not sure how to identify the bottom line in a written message, you may want to view the video tutorial in Improve Your Reader’s Efficiency before you continue.
Positive vs. Negative Messages
The first component of sensitivity is obvious. Is the bottom line negative? Consider the meeting announcement below.
University Colleagues:
The Business Communication Roundtable will meet at noon on the first Friday of every month, beginning September 6. We’re especially interested in reaching out across the University and into our community.
Bring a business communication challenge and your lunch to Bidgood Room 15. Is your challenge writing a business plan? Creating web content? Planning an elevator pitch? Communicating performance feedback? Getting people to respond to your email? Or something else? Any topic related to communication in the workplace is appropriate. Everyone with a challenge is welcome whether you are a business person, faculty member, staff member, or student.The group will share resources — and laughs.
This document conveys the bottom line: “The Business Communication Roundtable will meet at noon . . .” That bottom line communicates not negative but neutral news to its readers. (Sidebar: We are going to attempt generalizable guidance; there are always idiosyncratic situations we can think up that violate our general principles.) When the news is not negative, there is no excuse for delaying where/when the bottom line appears within the document. It should appear, as it does in the meeting announcement above, at the very beginning. That will satisfy the efficiency needs of Western readers.
Now consider the program announcement below.
TO: College Faculty and Staff FROM: Senior Associate Dean SUBJECT: Business Leadership Academy
The Business Leadership Academy has been run at a deficit since its inception. Last year the loss was approximately $55,000, which was less than many previous years. To make this endeavor self sustaining would require a significant increase in fees to the attendees. We were concerned that such a large increase in fees would reduce enrollment, resulting in even more deficits. [Administrative Finance Person] and I discussed this at length with [Faculty Leader Person] as well as alternatives to prevent further deficits. We mutually agreed that none of these would preclude deficits.
I decided that, while this program has been a great success, it did not seem prudent in a financial sense to continue this program.
The program announcement conveys the bottom line: “it did not seem prudent . . . to continue this program.” That’s negative news. The emotional response to negative news involves a process of moving from shock/surprise to acceptance. And that means it might be advisable to delay. But we have to consider more components of sensitivity to make the best choice.
Reader vs. Writer Sensitivity in Negative Messages
The second component we need to recognize is the locus of sensitivity about the negative news. Is the message negatively affecting the reader? Consider the apology email below.
TO: Volunteer Editors FROM: Director of Editorial Operations SUBJECT: Journal Schedules
I am writing to you to give you an update on the status of our journal schedules for this year’s issues. Some of you may have already been contacted individually by your staff editor regarding our ability to meet scheduled mail dates this year. Our analysis of our performance to date is disappointing at 8% of all issues mailing either on or before their scheduled date through September. This is compared with our 20% target established for this year. The majority of these delays (approx. 64%) were internal to our Operations Center, while 27% of the delays resulted from receiving material late from the Volunteer Editors. The internal delays are a result of three major challenges we’ve faced this year.
[lengthy description of the three challenges is omitted to save space]
I would like to express my apology for the internal delays and to assure you of our commitment to resolve our performance issues.
In this email, the bottom line message is “I would like to express my apology . . .” Note that it is the writer — not the reader — who is most negatively affected by that message. Apologizing can be uncomfortable to both the person offering and the person receiving the apology. But it is MOST uncomfortable for the person doing the apologizing.
So what about delaying the bottom line message? There’s no excuse for decreasing efficiency by delaying just because you, as the writer, are uncomfortable with your message. That means the writer of the apology email should not have delayed. Instead, that bottom line apology should have been stated in the first sentence or so. (As well as signaled in the SUBJECT line.)
Compare that apology email to the program announcement from above. The bottom line message, “it did not seem prudent . . . to continue this program,” is negative primarily for the readers. While the writer may have been uncomfortable making the announcement, the readers who are hearing the news are most affected because someone discontinued a program they care about. The emotional response to negative news is a process of moving from shock/surprise to acceptance. Again, it might be advisable to give readers a chance to move toward acceptance by delaying in the program announcement. But we have to consider more components of sensitivity to make the best choice.
Personal & Rare vs. Impersonal & Common Negative Messages
The final components of sensitivity relate to how personal and how rare a bottom line message is. Basically, impersonal and common messages are more likely to be perceived as neutral. In contrast, personal and rare messages are more likely to be perceived as negative (or positive). Consider the rejection email below.
Hi, [Student’s First Name].
I enjoyed meeting you last week. You certainly demonstrated skills that will be relevant to my work with First Tee of Tuscaloosa. Your out-going personality and interest in PR are valuable assets in doing this type of community outreach project.
Amazingly, another faculty scholar applicant has experience both identifying funding sources and writing grant proposals for non-profits. Because his experience is such a close match with my immediate needs, I have offered him the position.
I regret I cannot offer you a position as well. But the person I have hired will graduate next May so, if you’re still interested in a position for 2014-15, I hope we can talk again. I see a very bright future for you.
Wishing you great success,
Dr. Kim
The bottom line message is definitely a negative one: “I regret I cannot offer you a position . . .” While I, as the writer, was not happy to convey that message, the reader is more sensitive to it than I am. Most important to this post, the bottom line of the rejection email is both personal and rare for the reader. That means its bottom line is highly negative, and the reader is likely to be highly sensitive to it. As a writer, I signaled my awareness of this level of reader sensitivity by delaying my bottom line message within the document. I judged that the reader’s sensitivity to my bottom line was greater than her desire for efficiency.
Once more, let’s consider the program announcement email. It is neither personal to nor rare for the readers to hear about a program change. (The document notes that the personally affected reader was involved in the decision.) That means its bottom line is somewhat but not highly negative. That level of reader sensitivity does not ordinarily warrant a delay.
When Should You Delay?
The visual below summarizes the guidance I’ve illustrated with examples above. You can predict that, of the examples provided above, only the rejection email is highly sensitive (like “You’re fired” in the visual). It’s the only example in which you should definitely delay stating the bottom line message.
Gauging Your Reader’s Sensitivity to Your Bottom Line
For the program announcement then, readers from Western cultures are likely to prefer efficiency. You shouldn’t delay unless you know your reader well enough to know he or she expects greater sensitivity than the average Western reader. FWIW: There is some evidence that, as a group, Western women take longer to accept bad news than Western men. Most of the relevant research on sensitivity to messages takes place in health care settings.
Here’s the program announcement, with the bottom line message in boldface below to show its location near the beginning of the document.
TO: College Faculty and Staff FROM: Senior Associate Dean SUBJECT: Business Leadership Academy
The Business Leadership Academy has been run at a deficit since its inception. Last year the loss was approximately $55,000, which was less than many previous years. I decided that, while this program has been a great success, it did not seem prudent in a financial sense to continue this program.
To make this endeavor self sustaining would require a significant increase in fees to the attendees. We were concerned that such a large increase in fees would reduce enrollment, resulting in even more deficits. [Administrative Finance Person] and I discussed this at length with [Faculty Leader Person] as well as alternatives to prevent further deficits. We mutually agreed that none of these would preclude deficits.
Placing an emphasis on efficiency in the documents you write for Western readers at work will pay big dividends. Don’t delay stating your bottom line in situations where it isn’t warranted.
Related Research
Amare, N., & Brammer, C. (2005). Perceptions of memo quality: A case study of engineering practitioners, professors, and students. Journal of Technical Writing and Communication, 35(2), 179-190.
Fielden, J. S., & Dulek, R. E. (1984). How to use bottom-line writing in corporate communications. Business Horizons, 27(4), 24-30.I
Suchan, J., & Colucci, R. (1989). An analysis of communication efficiency between high-impact and bureaucratic written communication. Management Communication Quarterly, 2(4), 454-484.
Chances are you are either preparing for or participating in a meeting right now. A study of 15,000 professionals between February 2020 and October 2021 found meetings increased almost 70%, occupying half of their work week. While some professionals have returned to the office, many are still working remotely at least some of the time.
The toll of so many meetings led a few companies to help employees by instituting no-meeting days. But most of us are still searching for productivity hacks so we can get our work done while also attending meetings. In this post, you’ll learn why to create a record of meetings and how to create one that supports those goals.
Why create a written record of meetings?
Some organizations create written records of meetings for legal reasons. These are usually the groups of people (boards, trustees, directors, etc.) who make decisions at corporations like Walmart and non-profits like Salvation Army. Many additional groups create records of meetings. Indeed lists three non-legal reasons:
Provide structure: Facts, decisions, votes taken, conflicts, attendees and other important details can be retrieved if needed.
Measure progress: Meeting minutes can serve as a timeline of progress on projects, efficacy of decisions, and effectiveness of team members in terms of action steps.
Determine ownership: Minutes record votes, owners of tasks and decisions.
How do you record notes during a meeting?
Guidance based on research into the oral and non-verbal aspects of business meetings is plentiful. But my search for guidance on written records for business meetings has uncovered advice and anecdotes but nothing based on more careful study. So I’m sharing my own experience here.
Taking notes during a meeting is much easier if there’s an agenda and discussion follows it. The agenda contains important items beyond the obvious like the meeting location: (a) what participants are supposed to do before the meeting, (b) where participants can find resources they need to prepare for the meeting, and (c) estimates of time allocated for each topic on the agenda.
The first page of notes taken during a meeting I attended are shown below within the topics that appeared on the agenda. I want you to view the long laundry list of bullet items under the heading “Measures” in the middle of the page.
Those notes under “Measures” represent a chronological recording of the discussion. That’s all the note-taker could create during the meeting. An amateur would simply call them the meeting minutes, send them out, and call it quits.
But a pro knows better. After the meeting, a pro edits the notes into a document that captures the discussion in way that can be understood by someone who wasn’t there. Or someone who can’t remember where they put their keys last night.
Can’t technology take care of this?
There are tools that can transcribe meetings for you. Read about nine free options. Sounds like the answer to all of our productivity challenges, right?
The power of tools like Otter.ai for transcription is a given. But, as some meeting experts put it,
…leaders should make it routine to keep track of what was said — and what was meant — and to share those summaries with attendees and any relevant stakeholders who weren’t present. The point is not to capture a full play-by-play of the meeting, but rather to provide a concise synopsis of the key points and action items in a format that makes the information as accessible as possible.
Ashley Whillans, Dave Feldman, and Damian Wisniewski (Nov. 12, 2021) “The Psychology Behind Meeting Overload,” Harvard Business Review
Sadly, no one can find information efficiently in a transcript. Unedited notes are not meaningful to anyone other than the note-taker. And only briefly for him or her.
That means someone has to create minutes, which capture the meeting discussion and decisions in an efficient way for those who need to review them later. You can create minutes using notes you take or a transcript of the meeting. It’s up to you.
How do you create minutes after a meeting?
The relevant portion of the meeting minutes created from the unedited notes is shown below.
The minutes include several important revisions designed to inform the future readers more effectively and efficiently about the meeting:
The minutes are organized by topic not chronology. Only three major bullet points appear under “Measures” now. Several of the bullets from the notes were combined, and several were moved out of this heading because they represented discussion that happened while we discussed measures but which were about topics covered elsewhere in the meeting (e.g., results).
The style of the minutes focuses on meeting actions. Each major bullet point under “Measures” now begins with a past tense verb.
“Noted” is used to describe topics mentioned, usually by the meeting chair, but not discussed.
“Discussed,” on the other hand, denotes topics about which there was conversation.
Elsewhere in the minutes, there are items beginning with “Decided” to denote decisions made by the participants during the meeting.
The style of the minutes focuses on topics not people. There are no participant names in the bullet items under “Measures” because their identities are not important to the purpose of the meeting or the audience of the minutes. For this reason, others have mentioned that passive voice is useful in meeting minutes. Because participants in business meetings represent their work unit (or organization) and those units’ views are sometimes important both to capture and attribute, I might write something like: “Discussed IBA faculty’s concerns about locating individual measures of performance.” But the emphasis is still on the topic — not the people.
Note: the portion of the minutes I’ve shown you doesn’t include the all-important “Action Items” arising from the meeting. That was probably the section of most interest to participants in this case.
What else should you know?
After I created the minutes, I shared them — not the notes — with the meeting participants to invite their corrections or approval (as protocol demands). The corrected minutes were placed on the organization’s intranet where anyone could review them.
Here are my last words on the subject.
No matter how quickly you can record a meeting, notes and transcripts are worthless if the minutes are not written by a pro who creates a record that future readers can actually use.
When a business professional needs to influence other people to do something not obviously beneficial to them, the pro often writes a document designed to persuade those people. That’s why we have proposals, business plans, recommendation reports, white papers, etc. Because those documents present complex information, they are often lengthy. But readers are busy! So writers need to provide their audience with a way to decide if the entire report is worth reading. And who should do that reading.
Pro writers create executive summaries for “executives” who may read only that portion of a lengthy report in order to decide who should be assigned to think about the details.
This post provides the basics for writing an executive summary. Sad to say I had to rely almost exclusively on prescriptive sources as there just isn’t any descriptive research on this (sub)genre of business reports (see below). But Lagerwerf and Bossers confirmed that decision makers were more likely to read the executive summary in business proposals than any other section.
Creating an Executive Summary
I recommend five steps to create an executive summary for a busy reader who might not assign others to think through the details.
1. Clarify your bottom line
If you’re not clear about what your reader should do after reading your report, you can bet your reader won’t be either. The one idea you want your reader to get (or the one thing you want them to do) is the bottom line message.
Yeung’s research into business reports concluded that recommendations are critical. They represent solutions to existing business problems. They support decision-making. Often, the bottom line of your report is a recommendation. That means the bottom line of your executive summary is a recommendation.
Some folks talk about the bottom line as the “big ask.” Business writing consultants at Good Copy, Bad Copy provide some good examples:
Adopt my proposed compensation scheme across the firm
Agree to my suggested strategy for the operations team
Provide the budget for the comms plan I’m presenting in the report
So before you begin writing, clearly state your bottom line. I like to write it on a post-it and attach it to my computer monitor so I can constantly remind myself what it is. It’s easy to get off track. The post-it is my guidepost as I make choices about content, organization, etc. while I write.
2. Analyze your readers
See the system I recommend. In short, you must think as objectively as possible about (1) your relationship with the audience and (2) the audience’s readiness–both their ability and their willingness–to accept your bottom line message.
3. Develop your content
This Inc. magazine piece offers a good explanation of the required content for an executive summary, as well as more and less effective examples. Here’s a further simplified approach.
Describe a problem, need or goal. The key is to describe something your reader is ready to hear with no additional explanation needed.
Describe the desired outcome. Again, the key is to BRIEFLY assure the readers you understand their wants and needs.
Describe your proposed solution. This is your bottom line: what should your reader know or do to get the desired outcome?
Support your proposed solution. You want to give your reader a limited number of specific highlights from the report. Choose those that directly support your bottom line. And choose only those that require little, if any, detailed explanation.
Let’s consider how content from two sample executive summaries matches up. Both were written for clients by a team of consultants demonstrating the value of data analytics for the clients’ organization.
Executive Summary for Report A
Executive Summary for Report B
Describing the problem, need, or goal of the reader
In the United States, Louisiana ranks highest in automobile insurance rates—this is due in part to insurance fraud. Some but not all fraud is detected.
Previous direct mail campaigns to reach new customers at Magazine Z resulted in an estimated annual net loss of $7K.
Describing the reader’s desired outcome
A technique for better detecting fraudulent claims would deter them and lower insurance rates.
A strategy for better predicting new customer response would improve return on investment.
Stating the bottom line (proposed solution)
To identify those with the highest odds of being fraudsters, drivers were ranked by modeling (1) the number of crashes, (2) the total number of not-at-fault crashes, and (3) the total number of rear-end, not-at-fault crashes.
To determine the probability of positive customer response, three campaign strategies were developed based on modeling the characteristics of the different sources of new customers.
Supporting the bottom line with specific highlights from the report
We developed our model using crash data from 1999 to 2012 from the Highway Safety Research Group. We analyzed crash characteristics of drivers involved in two-vehicle, rear-end crashes…
The model successfully detected one convicted fraudster with 69 crashes who is currently awaiting sentencing…
Each strategy involves modeling customer age and campaign month. The distribution of age showed three distinct groups. In addition, each campaign month varied wildly in success…
Using one of our model-based strategies (for hunting and fishing licenses as a source of new customers) should result in an estimated positive return of $25K annually…
In both executive summaries, the consultants began by describing an existing problem and desired outcome of interest to the client in language an executive can quickly grasp: better fraud detection in Report A and better prediction of customer response in Report B. Getting this information up front is how the consultants demonstrated they listened to their clients, and also respected their time.
Describing a problem is critical for all executive summaries because it makes explicit the connection between the detailed information in the report and the reader’s needs. Note that a 2016 report from MIT Sloan Management Review and SAS used the graphic below to demonstrate that data analytics rarely results in insights actually used to guide decision-making in organizations. I’m betting that, if analysts paid more attention to the organization’s problem/desired outcome, more of their insights would be applied.
Back to the report content in the table above… Because the bottom line for readers in both reports is similar (e.g., clients will recognize the value of data analytics for addressing their existing problems), both executive summaries focus on models created through data analysis: identifying fraudsters in Report A and predicting customer conversion in Report B.
In the remainder of both executive summaries, consultants supported their bottom line with selected details. Both provided some high-level content about their models in executive friendly language. They wisely omitted any detailed modeling information. That detail appeared within the body of the report. An executive reader could assign an in-house expert to review it but didn’t have to slog through it him/herself!
Consultants in both cases also highlighted a “sexy” finding in the executive summary: identification of an extreme and convicted fraudster in Report A and a dollar amount– estimated but positive–for the client’s ROI in Report B.
4. Organize and format your content for maximum reading efficiency
You must carefully organize and format your executive summary to make reading it fast and easy for executives (or anyone who feels the need to rush). That’s especially true if the bottom line is complex. Work on getting your bottom-line recommendation near the beginning. No executive wants to wait for the point. Or to be surprised when you state it!
Creating sub-headings is useful if your bottom line has multiple parts.
Using bullet points helps readers scan a list of short content items.
Limiting yourself to one page is more likely to achieve reader commitment.
I would add: Supporting important points with visual displays whenever possible. Compared to words alone, the image below is far more efficient in making Florence Nightingale’s point that most soldiers in the Crimean War died of preventable diseases (displayed in gray).
5. Edit carefully
Your content should be front and center. But it won’t be if your writing style or mechanics are not what your audience expects. If your style is too formal (or casual) or your subjects and verbs don’t agree in number, readers may focus on your writing instead of your content. Because not all readers have the same expectations, it’s easier to edit for readers you know well. For instance, while most readers don’t notice passive voice at all, a few are downright offended by it. If you know your executive readers well, edit your word choices and sentence structure with them in mind.
At a minimum, make sure you, or a qualified colleague, remove all non-standard spelling/typos and inconsistencies in your document. They reduce your authority. And that’s not going to help you persuade your readers to do anything that’s not obviously beneficial to them.
Evaluating a Complete Executive Summary
Let’s look at a complete executive summary. I’ve chosen one somewhat randomly titled “Economic Impacts of the Louisiana Motion Picture Investor Tax Credit” prepared in 2015.
Writer: consultants at HR&A Advisors, Inc. in New York, NY
Readers: clients who commissioned the report were Louisiana Film and Entertainment Association (LFEA) and Motion Picture Association of America, Inc. (MPAA)
Bottom line message: the Credit has had a positive economic and unclear fiscal impact on the state
As background, I should note the report is 69 pages long with five major sections:
Introduction (pp. 7-11)
The Louisiana Motion Picture and Television Industry (pp. 13-25)
Motion Picture- and Television-Induced Tourism in Louisiana (pp. 26-32)
Economic Impact Analysis (pp. 33-41)
Fiscal Impacts of Production Spending and Motion Picture- and Television-Induced Tourism (pp. 42-43)
It also includes a technical (pp. 44-50) and a general (pp. 51-68) appendix, as well as disclaimers (p. 69). (If you’re interested, access the complete report.)
Clearly, the report’s length made an executive summary a requirement. As you can see below, the executive summary itself occupies roughly 1 and 1/3 pages (664 words).
If the writers had shared their draft with me before sending it to the intended readers (the clients who commissioned the report), I would offer the following observations.
My first point is that the content of most interest to readers is not at the beginning. Instead, it appears under the heading, “Summary of Findings.” The heading is definitely helpful in pointing readers to what they want. However, why place two full paragraphs of detail before the information of most interest to readers? To make matters worse, the first paragraph provides no information that would be new to the intended readers. Instead, it seems to be directed at a different audience. That’s a signal it doesn’t belong first in the executive summary.
The second paragraph may provide information that would be useful to some intended readers. But its primary value is as a means of organizing the bottom line about findings.
That brings me to my second point: the content of most interest is not organized for efficient comprehension. You may object by noting the writers used bullet points. In this case, however, those bullets signify nothing more than a little white space at the beginning of a paragraph would. Readers have to read every word of every bullet in order to get the meaning.
Consider how much more impact the bottom line would have if it looked something like what I created below in a revised version of the original executive summary, which is half the length of the original (329 words).
In the revised version, I organized the bottom line findings to make them easier to scan. The second and third paragraphs now begin with the bottom line of the content that follows. (Think topic sentences.) Plus, I highlighted specific findings in a table with bullets and parallel content/form.
Note I also created some content at the beginning as my guidance above recommends. The document now describes a problem (i.e., impact of the Credit is undocumented) and a desired outcome (i.e., measurements of impact will determine the Credit’s value). I hope my readers agree that the revised version is more executive friendly.
As always, your comments are welcomed.
Research Sources
Here are some sources that support my guidance on writing executive summaries.
Clayton, J. (2003). Writing an executive summary that means business.Harvard Management Communication Letter, 6, 3-4.
Lagerwerf, L. and Bossers, E. (2002). Assessing business proposals: Genre conventions and audience response in document design. Journal of Business Communication, 39, 437-460.
Reave, L. (2002). Promoting innovation in the workplace: The internal proposal. Business Communication Quarterly, 65, 8-21.
Roach, J., Tracy, D., & Durden, K. (2007). Integrating business core knowledge through upper division report composition. Business Communication Quarterly, 70, 431-449.
Van Nus, M. (1999). Business genres and their corporate context. Document Design, 1, 187-197.
Yeung, L. (2007). In search of commonalities: Some linguistic and rhetorical features of business reports as a genre. English for Specific Purposes, 26, 156-179.
[updated from the original post on March 16, 2016]
When a business professional needs to influence other people to do something not obviously beneficial to them, the individual often writes a persuasive document. That’s why we have proposals, business plans, recommendation reports, white papers, etc. Because such documents present complex information, they are usually lengthy. But readers are busy! So writers need to provide their audience with a way to decide if the entire document is worth reading. That’s why writers create introductions, abstracts, or executive summaries.
This post provides the basics for writing an executive summary. Sad to say I had to rely almost exclusively on prescriptive sources as there just isn’t any descriptive research on this (sub)genre of business reports (see below). I will note, however, that Lagerwerf and Bossers confirmed that decision makers were more likely to read the executive summary in business proposals than any other section of the document.
Creating an Executive Summary
I advocate following five steps to create an executive summary.
1. Clarify your bottom line
If you’re not clear about what your reader should do after reading your report, you can bet your reader won’t be either. The one idea you want your reader to get (or the one thing you want them to do) is the bottom line message.
Yeung’s research into business reports concluded that recommendations are critical. They represent solutions to existing business problems. They support decision-making. Often, the bottom line of your report is a recommendation.
Some folks talk about the bottom line as the “big ask.” Business writing consultants at Good Copy, Bad Copy provide some good examples:
Adopt my proposed compensation scheme across the firm
Agree to my suggested strategy for the operations team
Provide the budget for the comms plan I’m presenting in the report
So before you begin writing, clearly state your bottom line. I like to write it on a post-it and attach it to my computer monitor so I can constantly remind myself what it is. It’s easy to get off track. The post-it is my guidepost as I make choices about content, organization, etc. while I write.
2. Analyze your readers
See the system I recommend. In short, you must think as objectively as possible about (1) your relationship with the audience and (2) the audience’s readiness–both ability and willingness–to accept your bottom line message.
3. Develop your content
This Inc. magazine piece offers a good explanation of the required content for an executive summary, as well as more and less effective examples. Here’s a further simplified approach.
Describe a problem, need or goal. The key is to describe something your reader is ready to hear with no additional explanation needed.
Describe the desired outcome. Again, the key is to BRIEFLY assure the readers you understand their wants and needs.
Describe your proposed solution. This is your bottom line: what should your reader know or do to get the desired outcome?
Support your proposed solution. You want to give your reader a limited number of specific highlights from the report. Choose those that directly support your bottom line. And choose only those that require little, if any, detailed explanation.
Let’s consider how content from two sample executive summaries matches up. Both were written for clients by a team of consultants demonstrating the value of data analytics for the clients’ organization.
Executive Summary for Report A
Executive Summary for Report B
Describing the problem, need, or goal of the reader
In the United States, Louisiana ranks highest in automobile insurance rates—this is due in part to insurance fraud. Some but not all fraud is detected.
Previous direct mail campaigns to reach new customers at Magazine Z resulted in an estimated annual net loss of $7K.
Describing the reader’s desired outcome
A technique for better detecting fraudulent claims would deter them and lower insurance rates.
A strategy for better predicting new customer response would improve return on investment.
Stating the bottom line (proposed solution)
To identify those with the highest odds of being fraudsters, drivers were ranked by modeling (1) the number of crashes, (2) the total number of not-at-fault crashes, and (3) the total number of rear-end, not-at-fault crashes.
To determine the probability of positive customer response, three campaign strategies were developed based on modeling the characteristics of the different sources of new customers.
Supporting the bottom line with specific highlights from the report
We developed our model using crash data from 1999 to 2012 from the Highway Safety Research Group. We analyzed crash characteristics of drivers involved in two-vehicle, rear-end crashes…
The model successfully detected one convicted fraudster with 69 crashes who is currently awaiting sentencing…
Each strategy involves modeling customer age and campaign month. The distribution of age showed three distinct groups. In addition, each campaign month varied wildly in success…
Using one of our model-based strategies (for hunting and fishing licenses as a source of new customers) should result in an estimated positive return of $25K annually…
In both executive summaries, the consultants began by describing an existing problem and desired outcome of interest to the client in language an executive can quickly grasp: better fraud detection in Report A and better prediction of customer response in Report B. Getting this information up front is how the consultants demonstrated they listened to their clients.
Describing a problem is critical for all executive summaries because it makes explicit the connection between the detailed information in the report and the reader’s needs. Note that a 2016 report from MIT Sloan Management Review and SAS used the graphic below to demonstrate that data analytics rarely results in insights actually used to guide decision-making in organizations. I’m betting that, if analysts paid more attention to the organization’s problem/desired outcome, more of their insights would be applied.
Back to the report content in the table above… Because the bottom line for readers in both reports is similar (e.g., clients will recognize the value of data analytics for addressing their existing problems), both executive summaries focus on models created through data analysis: identifying fraudsters in Report A and predicting customer conversion in Report B.
In the remainder of both executive summaries, consultants supported their bottom line with selected details. Both provided some high-level content about their models in executive friendly language. They wisely omitted any detailed modeling information. That detail appeared within the body of the report. An executive reader could assign an in-house expert to review it but didn’t have to slog through it him/herself!
Consultants in both cases also highlighted a “sexy” finding in the executive summary: identification of an extreme and convicted fraudster in Report A and a dollar amount– estimated but positive–for the client’s ROI in Report B.
4. Organize and format your content for maximum reading efficiency
If the bottom line is complex, you must carefully implement effective organization and formatting techniques in your executive summary. Good Copy, Bad Copy consultants recommend:
Creating sub-headings is useful if your bottom line has multiple parts.
Using bullet points helps readers scan a list of short content items.
Limiting yourself to one page is more likely to achieve reader commitment.
I would add: Supporting important points with visual displays whenever possible. Compared to words alone, the image below is far more efficient in making Florence Nightingale’s point that most soldiers in the Crimean War died of preventable diseases (displayed in gray).
5. Edit carefully
Your content should be front and center. But it won’t be if your writing style or mechanics are not what your audience expects. If your style is too formal (or informal) or your subjects and verbs don’t agree in number, readers may focus on your writing instead of your content. Because not all readers have the same expectations, it’s easier to edit for readers you know well. For instance, while most readers don’t notice passive voice at all, a few are downright offended by it. If you know your readers well, edit your word choices with them in mind.
At a minimum, make sure you, or a qualified colleague, remove all non-standard spelling/typos and inconsistencies in your document. They reduce your authority. And that’s not going to help you persuade your readers to do anything not obviously beneficial to them.
Evaluating a Complete Executive Summary
Let’s look at a complete executive summary. I’ve chosen one somewhat randomly titled “Economic Impacts of the Louisiana Motion Picture Investor Tax Credit” prepared in 2015.
Writer: consultants at HR&A Advisors, Inc. in New York, NY
Readers: clients who commissioned the report were Louisiana Film and Entertainment Association (LFEA) and Motion Picture Association of America, Inc. (MPAA)
Bottom line message: the Credit has had a positive economic and unclear fiscal impact on the state
As background, I should note the report is 69 pages long with five major sections:
Introduction (pp. 7-11)
The Louisiana Motion Picture and Television Industry (pp. 13-25)
Motion Picture- and Television-Induced Tourism in Louisiana (pp. 26-32)
Economic Impact Analysis (pp. 33-41)
Fiscal Impacts of Production Spending and Motion Picture- and Television-Induced Tourism (pp. 42-43)
It also includes a technical (pp. 44-50) and a general (pp. 51-68) appendix, as well as disclaimers (p. 69). (If you’re interested, access the complete report.)
Clearly, the report’s length made an executive summary a requirement. As you can see below, the executive summary itself occupies roughly 1 and 1/3 pages (664 words).
If the writers had shared their draft with me before sending it to the intended readers (the clients who commissioned the report), I would offer the following observations.
My first point is that the content of most interest to readers is not at the beginning. Instead, it appears under the heading, “Summary of Findings.” The heading is definitely helpful in pointing readers to what they want. However, why place two full paragraphs of detail before the information of most interest to readers? To make matters worse, the first paragraph provides no information that would be new to the intended readers. Instead, it seems to be directed at a different audience. That’s a signal it doesn’t belong first in the executive summary.
The second paragraph may provide information that would be useful to some intended readers. But its primary value is as a means of organizing the bottom line about findings.
That brings me to my second point: the content of most interest is not organized for efficient comprehension. You may object by noting the writers used bullet points. In this case, however, those bullets signify nothing more than a little white space at the beginning of a paragraph would. Readers have to read every word of every bullet in order to get the meaning.
Consider how much more impact the bottom line would have if it looked something like what I created below in a revised version of the original executive summary, which is half the length of the original (329 words).
In the revised version, I organized the bottom line findings to make them easier to scan. The second and third paragraphs now begin with the bottom line of the content that follows. (Think topic sentences.) Plus, I highlighted specific findings in a table with bullets and parallel content/form.
Note I also created some content at the beginning as my guidance above recommends. The document now describes a problem (i.e., impact of the Credit is undocumented) and a desired outcome (i.e., measurements of impact will determine the Credit’s value). I hope my readers agree that the revised version is more executive friendly.
As always, your comments are welcomed.
Research Sources
Here are some sources that support my guidance on writing executive summaries.
Clayton, J. (2003). Writing an executive summary that means business.Harvard Management Communication Letter, 6, 3-4.
Lagerwerf, L. and Bossers, E. (2002). Assessing business proposals: Genre conventions and audience response in document design. Journal of Business Communication, 39, 437-460.
Reave, L. (2002). Promoting innovation in the workplace: The internal proposal. Business Communication Quarterly, 65, 8-21.
Roach, J., Tracy, D., & Durden, K. (2007). Integrating business core knowledge through upper division report composition. Business Communication Quarterly, 70, 431-449.
Van Nus, M. (1999). Business genres and their corporate context. Document Design, 1, 187-197.
Yeung, L. (2007). In search of commonalities: Some linguistic and rhetorical features of business reports as a genre. English for Specific Purposes, 26, 156-179.
When a business professional needs to influence other people to do something not obviously beneficial to them, the individual often writes a persuasive document. That’s why we have proposals, business plans, recommendation reports, white papers, etc. Because such documents present complex information, they are usually lengthy. But readers are busy! So writers need to provide their audience with a way to decide if the entire document is worth reading. That’s why writers create introductions, abstracts, or executive summaries.
This post provides the basics for writing an executive summary. Sad to say I had to rely almost exclusively on prescriptive sources as there just isn’t any descriptive research on this (sub)genre of business reports (see below). I will note, however, that Lagerwerf and Bossers confirmed that decision makers were more likely to read the executive summary in business proposals than any other section of the document.
Creating an Executive Summary
I advocate following four steps to create an executive summary.
1. Clarify your bottom line
If you’re not clear about what your reader should do after reading your report, you can bet your reader won’t be either. The one idea you want your reader to get (or the one thing you want them to do) is the bottom line message.
Yeung’s research into business reports concluded that recommendations are critical. They represent solutions to existing business problems. They support decision-making. Often, the bottom line of your report is a recommendation.
Some folks talk about the bottom line as the “big ask.” Business writing consultants at Good Copy, Bad Copy provide some good examples:
Adopt my proposed compensation scheme across the firm
Agree to my suggested strategy for the operations team
Provide the budget for the comms plan I’m presenting in the report
So before you begin writing, clearly state your bottom line. I like to write it on a post-it and attach it to my computer monitor so I can constantly remind myself what it is. It’s easy to get off track. The post-it is my guidepost as I make choices about content, organization, etc. while I write.
2. Analyze your readers
See the system I recommend. In short, you must think as objectively as possible about (1) your relationship with the audience and (2) the audience’s readiness–both ability and willingness–to accept your bottom line message.
3. Develop your content
This Inc. magazine piece offers a good explanation of the required content for an executive summary, as well as more and less effective examples. Here’s a further simplified approach.
Describe a problem, need or goal. The key is to describe something your reader is ready to hear with no additional explanation needed.
Describe the desired outcome. Again, the key is to BRIEFLY assure the readers you understand their wants and needs.
Describe your proposed solution. This is your bottom line: what should your reader know or do to get the desired outcome?
Support your proposed solution. You want to give your reader a limited number of specific highlights from the report. Choose those that directly support your bottom line. And choose only those that require little, if any, detailed explanation.
Let’s consider how content from two sample executive summaries matches up. Both were written for clients by a team of consultants demonstrating the value of data analytics for the clients’ organization.
Executive Summary for Report A
Executive Summary for Report B
Describing the problem, need, or goal of the reader
In the United States, Louisiana ranks highest in automobile insurance rates—this is due in part to insurance fraud. Some but not all fraud is detected.
Previous direct mail campaigns to reach new customers at Magazine Z resulted in an estimated annual net loss of $7K.
Describing the reader’s desired outcome
A technique for better detecting fraudulent claims would deter them and lower insurance rates.
A strategy for better predicting new customer response would improve return on investment.
Stating the bottom line (proposed solution)
To identify those with the highest odds of being fraudsters, drivers were ranked by modeling (1) the number of crashes, (2) the total number of not-at-fault crashes, and (3) the total number of rear-end, not-at-fault crashes.
To determine the probability of positive customer response, three campaign strategies were developed based on modeling the characteristics of the different sources of new customers.
Supporting the bottom line with specific highlights from the report
We developed our model using crash data from 1999 to 2012 from the Highway Safety Research Group. We analyzed crash characteristics of drivers involved in two-vehicle, rear-end crashes…
The model successfully detected one convicted fraudster with 69 crashes who is currently awaiting sentencing…
Each strategy involves modeling customer age and campaign month. The distribution of age showed three distinct groups. In addition, each campaign month varied wildly in success…
Using one of our model-based strategies (for hunting and fishing licenses as a source of new customers) should result in an estimated positive return of $25K annually…
In both executive summaries, the consultants began by describing an existing problem and desired outcome of interest to the client in language an executive can quickly grasp: better fraud detection in Report A and better prediction of customer response in Report B. Getting this information up front is how the consultants demonstrated they listened to their clients.
Describing a problem is critical for all executive summaries because it makes explicit the connection between the detailed information in the report and the reader’s needs. Note that a 2016 report from MIT Sloan Management Review and SAS used the graphic below to demonstrate that data analytics rarely results in insights actually used to guide decision-making in organizations. I’m betting that, if analysts paid more attention to the organization’s problem/desired outcome, more of their insights would be applied.
Back to the report content in the table above… Because the bottom line for readers in both reports is similar (e.g., clients will recognize the value of data analytics for addressing their existing problems), both executive summaries focus on models created through data analysis: identifying fraudsters in Report A and predicting customer conversion in Report B.
In the remainder of both executive summaries, consultants supported their bottom line with selected details. Both provided some high-level content about their models in executive friendly language. They wisely omitted any detailed modeling information. That detail appeared within the body of the report. An executive reader could assign an in-house expert to review it but didn’t have to slog through it him/herself!
Consultants in both cases also highlighted a “sexy” finding in the executive summary: identification of an extreme and convicted fraudster in Report A and a dollar amount– estimated but positive–for the client’s ROI in Report B.
4. Organize and format your content for maximum reading efficiency
If the bottom line is complex, you must carefully implement effective organization and formatting techniques in your executive summary. Good Copy, Bad Copy consultants recommend:
Creating sub-headings is useful if your bottom line has multiple parts.
Using bullet points helps readers scan a list of short content items.
Limiting yourself to one page is more likely to achieve reader commitment.
Evaluating a Complete Executive Summary
Let’s look at a complete executive summary. I’ve chosen one somewhat randomly titled “Economic Impacts of the Louisiana Motion Picture Investor Tax Credit” prepared in 2015.
Writer: consultants at HR&A Advisors, Inc. in New York, NY
Readers: clients who commissioned the report were Louisiana Film and Entertainment Association (LFEA) and Motion Picture Association of America, Inc. (MPAA)
Bottom line message: the Credit has had a positive economic and unclear fiscal impact on the state
As background, I should note the report is 69 pages long with five major sections:
Introduction (pp. 7-11)
The Louisiana Motion Picture and Television Industry (pp. 13-25)
Motion Picture- and Television-Induced Tourism in Louisiana (pp. 26-32)
Economic Impact Analysis (pp. 33-41)
Fiscal Impacts of Production Spending and Motion Picture- and Television-Induced Tourism (pp. 42-43)
It also includes a technical (pp. 44-50) and a general (pp. 51-68) appendix, as well as disclaimers (p. 69). (If you’re interested, access the complete report.)
Clearly, the report’s length made an executive summary a requirement. As you can see below, the executive summary itself occupies roughly 1 and 1/3 pages (664 words).
If the writers had shared their draft with me before sending it to the intended readers (the clients who commissioned the report), I would offer the following observations.
My first point is that the content of most interest to readers is not at the beginning. Instead, it appears under the heading, “Summary of Findings.” The heading is definitely helpful in pointing readers to what they want. However, why place two full paragraphs of detail before the information of most interest to readers? To make matters worse, the first paragraph provides no information that would be new to the intended readers. Instead, it seems to be directed at a different audience. That’s a signal it doesn’t belong first in the executive summary.
The second paragraph may provide information that would be useful to some intended readers. But its primary value is as a means of organizing the bottom line about findings.
That brings me to my second point: the content of most interest is not organized for efficient comprehension. You may object by noting the writers used bullet points. In this case, however, those bullets signify nothing more than a little white space at the beginning of a paragraph would. Readers have to read every word of every bullet in order to get the meaning.
Consider how much more impact the bottom line would have if it looked something like what I created below in a revised version of the original executive summary, which is half the length of the original (329 words).
In the revised version, I organized the bottom line findings to make them easier to scan. The second and third paragraphs now begin with the bottom line of the content that follows. (Think topic sentences.) Plus, I highlighted specific findings in a table with bullets and parallel content/form.
Note I also created some content at the beginning as my guidance above recommends. The document now describes a problem (i.e., impact of the Credit is undocumented) and a desired outcome (i.e., measurements of impact will determine the Credit’s value). I hope my readers agree that the revised version is more executive friendly.
As always, your comments are welcomed.
Research Sources
Here are some sources that support my guidance on writing executive summaries.
Clayton, J. (2003). Writing an executive summary that means business.Harvard Management Communication Letter, 6, 3-4.
Lagerwerf, L. and Bossers, E. (2002). Assessing business proposals: Genre conventions and audience response in document design. Journal of Business Communication, 39, 437-460.
Reave, L. (2002). Promoting innovation in the workplace: The internal proposal. Business Communication Quarterly, 65, 8-21.
Roach, J., Tracy, D., & Durden, K. (2007). Integrating business core knowledge through upper division report composition. Business Communication Quarterly, 70, 431-449.
Van Nus, M. (1999). Business genres and their corporate context. Document Design, 1, 187-197.
Yeung, L. (2007). In search of commonalities: Some linguistic and rhetorical features of business reports as a genre. English for Specific Purposes, 26, 156-179.
One of the most important things any teacher or manager can do to help novices become pro writers is to discuss sample messages with them. Reading thoughtfully precedes writing successfully! The key to thoughtful reading is discussing the sample message in sufficient, relevant detail and connecting those details to future messages the writer will create.**
Here are the guidelines I’ve provided to those introducing novices to writing for workplace readers. They are more exhaustive than exemplary because I created them for an academic context. But you can adapt them for a discussion with any writer who is a novice with the message genre of interest. [Note: This is an updated post from a few years back.]
Goals
To read a workplace message critically (i.e., assess and explain its quality)
To practice analyzing the rhetorical context of workplace messages (i.e., relationship among message, writer, and audience)
These goals are important to student success because the vast majority have little experience with workplace messages—especially with assessing their quality as a function of the rhetorical context.
For many decades now, nearly all language education in the US (from preschool through undergraduate) has focused on one text genre for reading (literature) and one text genre for writing (academic essays). The result is generations of adults who think reading is a puzzle-solving activity because the meaning is supposed to be “hidden,” while writing is supposed to impress an already knowledgeable audience (e.g., teachers). Adults, including our students, do not understand they have studied limited genres and that those genres didn’t teach them most of what they need to know about information development, organization, and style/tone for workplace messages.
Choosing a Sample Message
You must choose a message representing the genre of interest (i.e., sensitive letter, proposal, email announcement, etc.). Students learn from discussion of any quality level of message samples (i.e., not mailable, mailable, or proud to mail). However, you must clearly identify the quality level of the message sample either before or after the activity.
Introducing the Activity
Begin by announcing the discussion activity and the amount of time you have allotted for it. (It can be done in as little as 10 minutes.)
Give directions for completing the activity. (This will be more important early in the semester or if you decide to use small group discussions.)
Provide visuals as needed (the sample message, the relevant grading rubric, etc.) either as hard copy or as projections on the screen.
Asking the Right Questions (with video suggestions)
Does the writer provide enough and the right kind of information (defining, describing, giving examples, comparing/contrasting, classifying, using outside sources)?
Does the writer provide evidence and interpretation for any claims?
Does the writer use graphics to enhance comprehension, usability, or feelings?
Does the writer use graphics that meet the audience’s need (to see surface detail = photograph; to see percentages of a whole = pie chart; to see steps in a process = flow chart, etc.)?
Do graphics use accurate and consistent proportions? Do they include labels, titles, and captions? Does the writer integrate the graphic into the text?
Does the writer present parallel items in parallel form?
Is the style appropriately active or passive?
Is the word choice appropriate?
Is the level of formality appropriate?
Does the writer’s style achieve reader-orientation?
Is the level of directness appropriate?
Are presuppositions used only when the audience will agree with the writer?
About the visual impressionof the message for this rhetorical context (Format):
Is the page layout (margins & other white space, line spacing, justification, color, etc.) effective?
Is typography (typeface, size, position, boldface, etc.) used consistently and for emphasis?
Are any groups of items presented in a list with characters or numbers to enumerate them?
Does the writer create a visual text that enhances efficiency for reading?
About the mechanics of the message for this rhetorical context (Punctuation; Agreement):
Is a written message effective and efficient or should the writer choose another medium?
Are there misspellings or typos that will distract the reader from the content of the message?
Are there sentence fragments, comma splices, or any other punctuation issues that are likely to distract the reader?
Are there any subject-verb disagreement issues that will be distracting?
Leading Discussion
When leading discussion, prompt students to provide answers to these questions and to link those answers to specific places in the sample message. This will not come naturally to most undergraduate students. For example, you may not be successful in getting good discussion about style by asking something general like “How effective is the style in this message?” Instead, students are likely to need more specific questions, such as “Do you think the style is concise?” Or even “Is the style of the first paragraph concise? Give me a specific example.” Obviously, you can lead the discussion most effectively when you have already analyzed the message on your own before the class meeting.
Providing the Take-away
Summarize the main points, especially as the discussion applies to future writing assignments. (You can ask different groups to keep a list of main points for a specific area during the discussion.)
Clearly tie these main points to the overall quality level of the message sample.
Footnote
** My approach could be classified as genre-based writing pedagogy. Ken Hyland used the following table to show that even elementary students can be taught to read — and then write — a range of genres. I dream of such a world–where students learn to communicate with an audience in writing. And where the five-paragraph essay is just a blurred memory. Sigh . . .
Related Research
Hyland, K. (2007). Genre pedagogy: Language, literacy and L2 writing instruction. Journal of Second Language Writing, 16, pp. 148-63.
No grammatical construction raises the ire of writing “experts” like the passive. Geoff Pullum (a regular contributor to Lingua Franca at the Chronicle of Higher Education) provided two marvelous examples in a research paper titled “Fear and loathing of the English passive.”
The passive voice liquidates and buries the active individual, along with most of the awful truth. Our massed, scientific, and bureaucratic society is so addicted to it that you must constantly alert yourself against its drowsy, impersonal pomp.
and
A sentence written in passive voice is the shifty desperado who tries to win the gunfight by shooting the sheriff in the back, stealing his horse, and sneaking out of town.
Take a second to let those sink in. We are talking about sentence structure, aren’t we?
Pullum’s research article concluded by noting that advice to avoid passives is “bogus” and often provided by people who are “commonly hopeless at distinguishing passives from actives.” As I’ve written here before, any “expert” who focuses on limiting your stylistic choices should be ignored. Real experts have many tools to accomplish their goals. It’s the same with expert writers. Language allows us multiple ways of saying the same thing for a reason. Every style is appropriate in some context–otherwise it wouldn’t exist.
Now that I’ve acknowledged the vitriol surrounding passive voice, let’s move on to some guidance backed by research. Here are two versions of the same fictional news story from the Stroppy Editor:
Scientists at the University of Birmingham have discovered a drug that cures AIDS. Clinical trials involving 900 people with AIDS have shown it to work. Just three injections completely cured all 900 of them. The healthcare regulator is likely to approve the drug for clinical use within months.
A drug that cures AIDS has been discovered by scientists at the University of Birmingham. It has been shown to work by clinical trials involving 900 people with AIDS. All 900 of them were completely cured by just three injections. The drug is likely to be approved by the healthcare regulator for clinical use within months.
Version 2 is superior if the writer’s goal is to convey a message to readers clearly and efficiently. Yet each of its four sentences is constructed in passive voice (i.e., …been discovered…been shown…were…cured…be approved…). Readers of Version 2 can’t miss the focus of the passage: a new drug. Not so in Version 1, where all four sentences use active voice but focus on different things.
It turns out that passive voice is useful in some situations–like maintaining thematic flow. Active voice is useful in others–like establishing a personal style or tone. Your choice should be strategic. That means based on the rhetorical context: your purpose, your reader’s needs, and the content of your message.
Active/passive voice is explained in Chapter 13 of Revising Professional Writing in Science and Technology, Business, and the Social Sciences (3rd edition). If you’re using that book in an academic setting, you’ll find many exercises in that chapter, requiring you to distinguish between active and passive voice and then choose between them for strategic reasons. Here are some additional resources to help you master the choice:
a sample document, including both an original and revised version
a brief video tutorial
a list of research articles supporting my guidance
Enter feedback in the comments below if I can provide you with other resources.
Sample Document
Review the document below. It is based on one from Susan M. Heathfield for About.com on Human Resources, but it has been adapted specifically to show how pros use active and passive voice in workplace documents.
Writer: a hiring manager at a publishing company
Readers: an applicant for a sales manager position
Bottom line message: while the applicant was rejected for the management position, the company would like to interview her for a different position
The letter is included in this ~13-minute video about voice in workplace documents.
Related Readings
There are several posts here at Pros Write that deal with passive vs. active voice. Just enter “passive” in the search field near the top of this page. If you want to see the research supporting my guidance, you might begin with the following sources.
Kies, D. (1985). Some stylistic features of business and technical writing: The functions of passive voice, nominalization, and agency. Journal of Technical Writing and Communication, 15, 299-308.
Millar, N., Budgell, B. & Fuller, K. (2013) ‘Use the active voice whenever possible’: The impact of style guidelines in medical journals. Applied Linguistics, 34(4), 393–414.
Pullum, G.K. (2014). Fear and loathing of the English passive. Language and Communication, 37, 60-74.
Riley, K. (1991). Passive voice and the rhetorical role in scientific writing. Journal of Technical Writing and Communication, 21, 239-257.
Know your audience. This would count as a platitude for good writing without some specifics. So this post provides a specific system for analyzing a workplace audience. That system requires writers to assess two aspects of their situation–the context of their message: (1) their relationship with the audience and (2) their audience’s readiness to accept the message.
An earlier post used the example of writing a letter soliciting sponsorships for First Tee of Tuscaloosa from local businesses. Here’s what I wrote about audience readiness in that situation.
How much expertise do readers have about the message? For the entire group of readers, the writer guessed there was moderately low knowledge of First Tee, especially of its goals (which focus on life skills rather than golf). This meant the letter has to educate or inform the audience.
How sensitive are readers to the message? Overall, the writer predicted moderately low sensitivity because the sponsorships were cheap and included advertising at the First Tee site and events. But the writer still had to persuade them to act.
Today’s mortgage APR: 3.75% for a 30-year fixed mortgage. Save today!
Many, although not all, North American readers are able to understand the message. For those who don’t, additional informative content is needed like a definition for the abbreviation or a comparison of fixed versus variable mortgages.
But even for those who comprehend the message, they may not be willing to accept it. That’s why Yucco presents the following version as an improvement.
Today’s mortgage APR is at an all time low of 3.75%. Complete our pre-qualification form now to lock in this rate. This rate would save you enough money on a $250,000 loan over 20 years to send your child to college when compared to an increase of just 1%, which could happen at any time.
To address audience willingness, the writer created persuasive content, such as emphasizing the need to act now and describing the financial gain from doing so with an example of significance to the target audience. (Yucco summarizes research on framing based on health research–see below.)
My point here is that an audience must be ready–both able and willing–to accept a message. If you haven’t analyzed your audience’s readiness, your message is likely to be ineffective. The same is true for your need to reflect on your relationship with the audience before you write.
Audience analysis in a workplace setting is explained in Chapter 2 of Revising Professional Writing in Science and Technology, Business, and the Social Sciences (3rd edition). If you’re using that book in an academic setting, you’ll find many exercises that require you to analyze a workplace audience and consider the implications for creating a written message. But here are some additional resources to help anyone master this critical skill:
a sample document
two brief video tutorials
a list of research articles supporting my guidance
Enter feedback in the comments below if I can provide you with helpful resources.
Sample Document
Review the abatement notice created by me for instructional purposes based on information available from Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA).
Writer: the owner of a construction company
Readers: the company’s employees and OSHA officials
Bottom Line Message: three hazards identified during an OSHA inspection have been addressed
I’ve split the video tutorial on audience into two, shorter ones. The abatement notice is included in both.
Related Readings
There aren’t many posts here at Pros Write that don’t deal with audience. If you enter “audience” in the search field near the top of this page, you’ll get about 10 results. If you want to see the research supporting my guidance, there are countless possibilities. You might begin with the following sources.
Austin et al. (2009). Using framing theory to unite the field of injury and violence prevention and response: “Adding Power to Our Voices.” Social Marketing Quarterly, 15(S1), 35-54.
Hersey & Blanchard (1988). Management of Organizational Behavior: Utilizing Human Resources. Prentice Hall.
Hofstede (2001). Culture’s Consequences: Comparing Values, Behaviors, Institutions, and Organizations Across Nations. Sage.
I have argued that sentence variety is the enemy of efficiency. People read more accurately and efficiently when all the elements of a document are tightly connected. This includes the connection between consecutive sentences. I refer to this as cohesion (sometimes referred to as Functional Sentence Perspective by linguists).
My experience is that most adults are able to create cohesive prose at the sentence level without explicit instruction. But, for those without this skill, the problem is truly critical. Their readers struggle to read their prose and make comments about awkwardness, lack of logical “flow,” or–the most damning–the quality of the writer’s education. The kicker is that few writing teachers I’ve known understand how to help. Responding as a reader or editor is not the same as teaching.
Cohesion is briefly explained in Chapter 8 of Revising Professional Writing in Science and Technology, Business, and the Social Sciences (3rd edition). If you’re using that book in an academic setting, you’ll find many exercises in that chapter, requiring you to identify and fix problems with the logical flow of information. But here are some additional resources to help anyone master this critical skill:
a sample document, including both an original and revised version
a brief video tutorial
a list of research articles supporting my guidance
Enter feedback in the comments below if there’s something else you’d like to see.
Sample Document
Review a copy of the letter to a supplier. It was adapted by me based on a sample from ForestEthics (forestethics.org). The document was written within the following context:
Writer: the owner of an office supply store
Readers: representatives of the store’s suppliers of wood-based products
Bottom line message: the suppliers need to provide information about the sources of their products
The letter to a supplier is included in this <12-minute video about cohesion in workplace documents.
For more on flow, check out this video from the writing center at the University of North Carolina.
Related Readings
There are not many posts here at Pros Write that deal with cohesion because it is relatively rare problem for adult native English speakers. If you want to see the research supporting my guidance, check out the following sources.
Campbell (1995). Coherence, continuity, and cohesion: Theoretical foundations for document design. Lawrence Erlbaum.
Clark, H. H., & Haviland, S. E. (1977). Comprehension and the given-new contract. Discourse Production and Comprehension. Discourse Processes: Advances in Research and Theory, 1, 1-40.
Crossley, S. A., Allen, D., & McNamara, D. S. (2012). Text simplification and comprehensible input: A case for an intuitive approach. Language Teaching Research, 16(1), 89-108.
Kopple, W. J. V. (1982). Functional sentence perspective, composition, and reading. College composition and communication, 50-63.
